Insight of my mind

A bad habit of mine to overthink every time and feeling the most awful emotions that i could ever felt in my life.

At this stage of “pre-adulting”, I am very much aware of confusion. regrets, stress, longing, being lonely and probably having a lack of interest that i used to love. At his very young age, I tend to feel the doubts whenever i make decisions, because to be honest i was culture shock after graduation. There’s always the hard times of letting go, accepting the uncertainties, being independent and making the best version of yourself. Up to this day, i still make no further settlement of what i really want to focus heading towards my future, i don’t even know if I’m going to be okay somehow because every step I take, i tend to think that I am no better and I don’t feel like I’m going to make it.

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dilemma of overthinking

So far at this moment, I want to take some time to feel better and to create the better version of me. Just me, nobody’s opinion should be the source of validation because day by day of suffering. The blame is always on me.

Hate the feeling of nostalgia

Our mind can be confusing sometimes, I’m talking about mixed emotions and feelings whether its longing for happiness, sadness or worse a sudden pain. You had that feeling too and out of the blue you remember something that struck you the most. It made you sad or better, it made you smile.

Why do I feel this way? Why did I remember it? It’s been a while since I had this experience. Girl, trust me we’re exactly the same! Of course, we’re human beings, we’re bound to feel nostalgic. Not only our grandparents or parents can have this weird sensation, but it does makes us feel old even if we’re only in our twenties. I feel so old very often when I hear a song from 10 years ago that reminds me from my childhood, a fragrant you smelled from the mall you just went to or a movie you saw that evoked your first kiss. It’s a vague experience yet a sentiment sense that we just can’t explain. I guess I’m just having a hard time of letting go of the past, or I just missed those good memories so I choose to cherish them the most. In the end, I always hate the feeling of nostalgia, where I can’t sit still and not remember the past. Nostalgia isn’t a very bad place nor a good place to wander around- it’s both.

“When you’re nostalgic about something, there’s a little bit of a sense of loss—[the moment has] happened, it’s gone—but usually the net result is happiness,” 

Clay Routledge https://www.sciencefriday.com/articles/why-do-i-get-nostalgic/

For the past months of quarantine, I got tired of doing the same routine; every minute, every hour, every day and as the days goes by I can’t help myself but to stare at the wall over nothing. Then nostalgia hit itself and then it changes my mood from time to time. Suddenly, not only the pandemic causes me to feel distorted but also the sense of nostalgia. I tried countless times to at least get away with it but it doesn’t seem to work that way. Oftentimes, I do get that kind of joy once again, more so I can get overjoyed by walking through those memories. On the other hand, I can be vulnerable and lonely because of the past that’s why I tried my attempts to block them. I may not be the perfect person for storing great times because I knew that my life back then was so simple. Some are just false memories and some are great pains. With a tiny bit of short happiness I somehow manage to cope with it, but that’s not the case. I just want to move on and let go of the past.

With every day we breathe, a new life comes, a better hope comes by and here and there, you’ll ended up thinking about that exact moment of happiness and pain once again. There’s nothing we can do about it because some of us choose to live with those moments and some are just looking back. We can call nostalgia an escape, a coping mechanism or just a feeling, we can take a moment and re-watch those good old times, we can say that we hate that one part of the story or we can say that we used to hate that person and wish we never meet them again. I learned the hard way of letting things go behind, but I’m glad to treasure them from time to time. I’m just hoping not everyday because it’s unnecessary when you already have the present to begin your new memories with. Who knows, maybe I’ll appreciate the idea of nostalgia and maybe I’ll let it run through my head again.

Mulan wasn’t quite a remake we expected.

Disney’s live action of Mulan finally came out last week on Disney+ directed by Niki Caro starring Yifei Liu, Donnie Yen, Jet Li, Tzi Ma, Gong Li, Jason Scott Lee and Yoson An. The original release of the movie was on March 27 but with the ongoing occurrence of the pandemic, the film itself got delayed and decided to have its home from the streaming service but still said to have a theatrical release from other countries such as in China.

Many fans set some high hopes to the movie from the casting, production and its changes in the story from its premise. I finally got to see the movie and made my review using my Letterboxd https://boxd.it/1lmTRP, but I want to expand more from my perspective as a fan of Disney and its new take of the movie. Caro’s Mulan assembled a powerful cast behind the making with two legendary actors Jet Li and Donnie Yen and Mulan herself Yifei Liu who gave an amazing performance with her Martial Art skills and pure emotions from the beginning until the end of the movie. Great landscape location they’ve shown that truly captures the essence of the setting and staggering pieces of make up and designs. But the question is, did the audience like the different tone of Disney’s classic? Mulan scored on Rotten Tomatoes with 75% and with an audience score of 51%, although the audience were not pleased, the movie has some mixed reviews from the critics.

Yifei Liu in Mulan

The remake wasn’t exactly appeared in the movie, it was more like re-imagining and the live action is based on The Ballad of Mulan, Caro’s version was far more true set of piece, stronger and serious than the animated classic that cause some sudden changes to make the movie right. With the absence of Mushu, Li Shang and the beloved musical, it’s almost like a different movie as what people said. On the other hand, I actually liked the movie and it was unexpected. Mulan was the first Disney animated film I saw, I knew that this new direction of the movie will either excite me or disappoint me. I’ve waited for so long and I know I’m not the only one who waited to see it. At some point, I was expecting Disney to delay the movie again but the pressure is on when it comes to releasing movies during this day, some theaters are still closed and some had only limited people all over. A decision has made to release it on Disney+.

The location of the movie was breathtaking, according to China Highlights, majority of the movie was shot in New Zealand and some in China including Xiaochun Tulou where Mulan’s hometown.

Mulan filming location:mulan's house
China Highlights

The Imperial City filmed in Xiangyang in Central China.

mulan filming location:Imperial City

The epic battle was shot in Mount Cook, New Zealand.

mulan filming location;Mount Cook, New Zealand

And finally, the original song from the movie made it to the screen. Reflection by Christina Aguilera is still unbeatable and truly incredible, with different style of the song it was also a score from the movie. Aguilera’s new song Loyal Brave True is also a new soundtrack both songs appearing on the end credits.

Since, Disney started to remake their classics from Maleficent to The Lion King, it was clear to us that it will happen mostly every now and then and fans are demanding more originals than remakes. I still have my dreams to have a Mulan sequel but I won’t get to see that anytime soon because of their projects line up for the upcoming years. With the help of promotion of the movie, it is still set to have expectations from the fans to go watch it and see for yourself that the live action will shock the fans with its creative difference. Mulan is now available in Disney+ and other theaters near you.

Daily Reminder: It’s okay not to be active on social media

Social media has been a big part of our daily lives ever since, whether you feel like in a good mood or not it’s always been there. Most of the time we consume 2 hours and 24 minutes per day on social media apps. According to TechJury, Facebook, Youtube and Snapchat are most used social media applications considering almost 3 Billion people are socially active when it comes to online networks. With my urge to be entertained, I learned how I feel about using social media in a bad way, considering spreading information, for me it’s necessary to move back a little bit and spend less time with it.

Last year, I had a tough time looking back and forth on my phone to check notifications and the news most of the time. I was eager to know what is happening, what’s the latest trend and what are the new videos posted online. I decided to have my Facebook account to be deactivated, like I don’t know when will I go back there but it seems to me that I’ll probably never. It was the root of my problem. I started to ask myself maybe I followed some toxic pages at that time, maybe I wasn’t that active, maybe I need to post more, maybe I got bored. All these assumptions just don’t connect to my main motive. Suddenly, things are starting to shake up. A news came by to my country that Facebook have issues with users where they hack people’s account to spread false information. Which lead to panic, even some of the people I know decided to put down their accounts for their own safety. We know how things work on social media, we know the ugly side of it and yet we still use them no matter what. I was ahead of my time, before it all happen I already played my part as a user. I was a victim of hacking and that made me think of my own safety.

With all my interest in films and celebrities, I was fond with Instagram. People use it for posting good pictures, quick updates from their favorite people and for good advertisement. With only few months of using Instagram, I quickly deleted my personal account. Luckily, I managed to keep a fan account for more almost a year now, everything seems so well and fitting. But, somehow it took me months of not posting anything and still the same thing when I go back. I encourage myself to spend less with it. As a movie goer, Twitter is my main source, I said to myself that I’ll focus on posting film quotes, photos from the movie and less about my life. I separated my tweets from what I’m actually writing on my journal. It’s better for me if a jot it down than tweeting it. Sometimes, I don’t post anything at all.

We feel terrible when we don’t post for a long time, there’s this idea of longing and outdated to the outside world. But the actual reason is that we’re not always obligated to share everything on social media, some memories are for keeps within you, we don’t get to take pictures of what we’re eating, what we’ve been doing lately and if some of you decides to stay with social media then it’s okay. Sometimes, we just have to learn some of the sides of using it because there will risks in the end. I faced backlash and I find social media somehow degrading and distracting because of the negativity wandering around the internet, I’m happy I discover a way out of it in some ways and I hope everyone would learn too.

Quarantine Routine: A simple living while I’m stuck at home

With the on-going threat of Corona virus also known as Covid-19, we’re trying our best to keep safe and healthy as possible for our own sake and for the others. Since, we’re not allowed to go outside just yet, here are my 5 ways to keep up my days during quarantine.

  1. Write on my journal
journal
24.media.tumblr.com

First thing in the morning and after I had my breakfast, I would open my notebook to write what I want; express gratitude, my dreams last night, my usual thoughts and ideas. I have to admit that I’m having a trouble of using my phone on daily basis, with my urge to get to the news and the topic that interest me are always on the internet, I can’t help but to use my phone. Of course, to balance it out, we always have our ways to excuse ourselves with the technologies and so am I. I always carry my journal around, with every tiny details I can think of, I can write it down anytime. I just write things even if it’s small or big.

2. I watch movies

High Fidelity (2000)
John Cusack in High Fidelity

I can resist of watching good movies, if I have the chance why not grab it? Well, I don’t have Netflix myself. I know, it’s a bit outrageous and impossible because these days almost everyone has. I feel like I don’t get to have one in order to find movies, I have the internet and besides, Television still exist guys. Seriously, movies touches you the most whenever you’re having a rough day or not, it will move you. To cope up something, I’m still looking for good old 70’s films.

3. I clean the house everyday

I clean the table, door knob, brush the floor, I’m always applying 705 solution Isoprophyl alcohol in every corner of the house and use disinfect spray. These are common ways to eradicate bacteria around our home with the help of my family to stay clean as possible. I know that due to the pandemic, every country has shortage of basic needs such as toiletries, food and hand sanitizes. But take note that washing our hands with soap is the best and cheapest way to avoid the virus. So, wash your hands, people!

4. De-clutter

I consider myself as a messy person ever since, I don’t usual go and organize that much. Now, I learned that I can still be tidy in many ways such as folding my clothes and clearing those ones that I don’t need, replacing the sheets, clear out the files that aren’t necessary in my computer and my phone and most important, organize my life. I learn that despite the situation, it’s not too late to feel yourself again like taking a deep breathes and eat healthy.

5. Stay in touch with my friends

After I finished college, I learned the hard way of being an adult. I don’t see my friends that often, sometimes we forget to greet others, we get busy too much. So, it’s better if I greet them, just tell them I’m still here, hoping they’re doing well these days. Never lose your sight to them, these people helped me a lot and we all treat each other equally. I still get to be with them through the use of my social media accounts and I hope you can still greet your friends despite the quarantine.

Those are my simple routine every day, I hope that you can share yours with others and I hope that everyone is doing okay. What we’re facing right now is causing a massive panic but we can encourage others to stay indoors and don’t hoard. Help each other and take this moment to consume energy and motivation for positivity and health.

I’d like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the frontliners who put themselves to fight this pandemic. They’re the real heroes, I hope this struggle will go and I’m hoping to see these amazing people and their greatest strength to be appreciated. Thank you to our true heroes!

How College friends shaped my life.

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

– C.S. Lewis

When I was in grade school, I was never a cool kid, I don’t talk most of the time, I never join any school activities and I didn’t made friends because I’m very different to them. All I did was study, but I wasn’t a smart kid either, I just want to survive during my elementary days because I had no choice. I realized that I’m never going to be good as my classmates because I’m too far to reach their wavelengths when it comes to what they like and what they don’t. Although, my twin sister and I went together, I still remained left behind.I felt so alone, I was being tutored before going to school, so I figured in the first place I won’t be good as her. Despite feeling bothered and unknown, we still manage to study together, but I had this feeling that she’s just forcing herself because she never liked me, she never felt comfortable, especially when we’re together with our classmates. I was a victim of bully, boys tend to pick on me because from their perspective, I was the weak one. I became more aggressive towards them, it feels like I want to fight back but I can’t, because I knew how it will end. I knew that I’m just going to embarrassed myself in front of 35 mean kids. So, I figured that my teachers might help me to settle this, sure we had to confront students who treated me badly but it was nothing in the end. My nightmare went back and my teachers seem to feel careless. I was so powerless, I want to get out of my own school because I wasn’t learning after all, I couldn’t breathe, move and talk. I felt like I was in hell for years.

From 6 years of being an outsider, I went to High School, this time around my sister and I are separated. She was in higher section and I was not, I did accepted that because I knew it was coming. It didn’t bother me at all, because surprisingly, I made few friends during those days. It is a big deal for me, I felt seen and known, I gained confidence and courage to speak up. During lunch, I had some of my classmates hang out with me, study with me and even practice folk dance during PE. But then, my mind constantly think that it was just a trap. These people are just a distraction, they want me to be with them because they want something from me. I stopped, I grasped, I leaned back said: “Not this time, I want to let them in just for once.” From then, I just let myself fall. It felt great instead, I was enjoying the moment where I’m allowing pain to foster inside me because I had nothing to lose. It was a change setting, my teachers became more aware and supportive, and I barely got bullied that time. I learned that all I have is my voice, so I used it. I may not know who were my true friends that time but at least I learned something- “Never lose yourself over people’s opinion”.

College was a change, it’s for our knowledge, growth and ourselves- It was a lane for openness and understanding. I was still at my worst version, suddenly, my inner voice held captive. I became more insecure, it felt like I was in a battlefield with no ammo left to fire. With days to come, my mind was preoccupied with fears and doubts. I was competing against myself. Sooner, I found myself that I wasn’t alone. I made friends again and gained my voice back to stand up. This isn’t another distraction or a temporary happiness, it’s officially the greatest moment of my life. My college friends helped me to get through my fears, I wasn’t aware how I was drowning with my own selfish thoughts until they reach me. They let me enjoy small things, took a step one by one and they believed in me. For many years, I was living in darkness, I’ve dealt with pain, opinions and got mistreated. I got back on track because I was with them. We saw each other’s darkest pasts, fears and concerns. We shared our true self, together we overcome the world. I became part of an extraordinary that I didn’t expect to be with. We even saw each other cry during hard times, we didn’t leave anyone behind all we did was lift each other. I found my place with them and together we found our place in the world.

I hope someday, you’ll be with somebody who will accept you and find you when you feel left behind. With most times, we feel incomplete, invisible and unworthy. It’s okay to cry alone, to walk alone, to feel those heavy pain because in the end there are people out there who will save you from your wicked days. You will feel yourself again, enlighten this time with clear vision of who you really are. If you found them, cherish the moment, keep them and love them with all your heart because it’s rare. Friendship is a rare thing to treasure.

A Journal Entry #2: My Existential crisis

What’s my purpose? Where can I find one? Where should I start? I’m stuck in the same day as a I wake up, with the pressure keeps going and the more I feel vulnerable the more I fear to go forward.

I’ve spend most of my days; thinking, listening to podcast or music and living the same thing over and over again because I’m confuse. I want to be honest to myself that I haven’t try to push myself where I feel nervous for the change. It’s like overthinking became my essential, its all part of me now and it’s hard to get rid off. I embrace it even more, people around think that it’s okay but I know it’s not. Because thinking is the worse thing that a human can do, we think too much and we feel burden over our expectations. Then, it’s all hard to tell what’s really going on inside our minds.

Here is the time, where I’m starting to question myself, my abilities and my weakness as a living being, the progress of growth is always right there and yet I let myself to take the way of doubts. Time move so fast, we can’t even see what’s been left, or what’s been up to these days, with the time I’ve spent on being settled, I realize that all that is left is what should I do by now. Up to this day, I still feel the most strangest feeling we feel- Confusion. I fear the unknown, I got used to knowing things first before I take actions, because I don’t like to make a mistake and we live in a world where we have to be perfect in order to fit in. The more we get attached by what’s being said, the more we feel useful to them but not to ourselves.

Each day, I feel useless, I feel numb and I ended up laying on my bed and watch random videos on Youtube, that somehow urge me to move at least. I know, I’m being toxic to myself because I wasn’t build to look for what’s making us better, I was build to look for others and now I feel like I’m being held against my will. Turns out, I’m having a hard time getting back on my track to create myself, just for once I feel like everything is nothing, it’s like I’ve done nothing meaningful.

In the end of things, I know I’ll get there, maybe not the exact place I want to be but a place where I’ll feel better than ever. All I know, we have our lives to live after all, we have our own ways to live, to survive and to maintain a happy life. For the most part of growing up, we tend to feel worthless, we feel sad then we feel okay and sometimes all we can do is go forward. Everyday, we meet certain people in our lives with different stories to tell, they’ve struggled to come across their destination and I know someday, I will be one of them, that person who choose to believe to go forward than quit because she fears the unknown. That girl who choose to create herself without knowing what will come, at least she didn’t stop because of uncertainties but because she choose to live.

Where would I be next year?

On this day, I’m still figuring myself in this world and how will I accept my past to take a different path along the way of what I want in life. The fear, doubts. insecurities and pressure to achieve something remarkable as an adult is probably the most scariest thing yet defining moments of our lifetime. Indeed, I am welcoming myself in the system- Reality.

Now the era of 2010’s is ending in just weeks, I can’t believe that we’re about to enter the future of the world, with various of technologies emerging, creative things we can enjoy, people we meet everyday and another memories to carry all the way of being an adult. Imagine, we used to be a kid back then, we used to cry over pity things, causing so much trouble, getting injured through riding bikes, staying all night to play video games and of course, getting up early to watch your favorite cartoon shows on TV. Earlier, I was watching one of the videos of Watchmojo on Youtube, the video contains the events we had in this generation. Well, I guess this decade and how it affected us as human beings. To the fact that I even dig deeper to myself that I am not getting younger, and I need to stop worrying the unknown path I’m taking, because I only have one life to walk this.

With all the cause, I should rather be living the mistakes than fear the most of it, because by then end of the day, I’m just going to laugh at everything, to the point where I didn’t even know that I got through it. I’m that person who is afraid of living but wants to live, and it has always been my problem because all I can think of is being perfect. That I should change something inside so that I can fit in. Until now, I got so busy overthinking everything that don’t matter, I completely lost track of time, people are leaving, things are changing and I feel like I’m losing my time to focus on myself.

Settling for once was never been a goal for me. But why is resting is so hard today? I guess people wants me to be more like them. I don’t want to, I’m already forgetting myself and why would I focus on them?

I’m on the verge of my worse and best moments of my life, I’m only in my 20’s, I’m having a mid-life crisis and why would think too much of what’s inside my future? Instead, I should learn how to take a step today so by then, I won’t regret the things later on. Because, I know I’ve dealt with those challenges. Living a life isn’t like going straight line to your success, sometimes it’s how we react and accept. I have to say, I did tried to romanticize my everyday life, because I had too, by appreciating small things. The pressure is always on, it won’t just disappear even though we want it. With that certain challenge, we live with it and get through it, that’s how we learn from being an adult. There’s no perfect formula to have a perfect result, life doesn’t work that way. And maybe next year, I can learn from everything and have more gratitude towards the people who cares about me and to myself.

I Feel irrelevant these days

Have you ever felt this sudden intense sadness? Like everything doesn’t make sense to you anymore? And the synthetic happiness doesn’t give you a light to do anything in life because all that is left is being burden and deflated by your own thoughts?

Image about girl in ✖️ lil bit of everything ✖️ by Franca
weheartit.com

These past couple of months, I began to imagine how my life will turn out if I could just stop thinking about my fear, insecurities and doubts. That somehow, if I could try to digest all my emotions and use it as a fuel of living my life as an adult. Instead of taking chances, I’m taking a step back because of fear and because of change. Which how I simply explain that it’s normal yet silly. After all, I’m the one who’s blame if something happens to me in the future that my younger self would not like. Because of how I think that the world is fully dangerous and I wouldn’t fit in. I’ve been getting a lot of updates from my previous classmates from college about how they’re doing with their lives, the fact that I feel burden and defeated because I let myself attached to their lives. Thinking that I wasted the entire months of worrying and being settle in one place makes it even more worse. I kept most of the days being preoccupied by watching movies and listening to music to lift myself up, but day by day I feel like I’m only doing this to get away from my responsibilities because I’m afraid. I’m afraid to grow up and change.

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eyeem.com

But from time to time, I’m torn between “You must think for yourself” to ” You’re only thinking yourself” which I find very hard to accept that I’m going to live my life realizing I’m torn between two complicated things that a person could ever experience. Even so, there’s more than that and we all know it will always be on our way as we go along. Most of the days, I spend too much time in my room listening to motivational podcast to move myself at least. I do chores, I practice breathing routine and I write daily notes on my journal. But that doesn’t make me feel ease at all, because the sudden sadness will always come back to knock on my door and hang out with me for the rest of the day. I feel like I just made myself stupid and worthless everyday. Within minutes, hours and days of living in the same situation I’m with since yesterday, I find myself more driven to lack of motivation and careless. I don’t eat healthy, I pretend that I’m doing okay, I disconnected myself from my friends, I take shower at night and I feel tired even though I haven’t done anything productive. Most of my time, I tend to compare myself to the people I see through social media, I began to think those what ifs and “I wish I’m that person” scenario which is even more devastating.

In the end, I’ll always remember the times I feel more alive and even if that moment is just a memory, at least just once in my life I felt radiant and well. From that memory, it taught me that the world is big and it will always have its bad and good moments and all I can do is try. Try to imagine how I can live my life with happiness if I let the myself go through different path, to grow and to accept change. Even if I feel stuck in the same place, I’ll always have a choice to stay or to make living. Life is a complex ground to be with and as a person I’m responsible to have a life I want not because the others have, but because I want to feel better and relevant these days. I’m the only wheel towards what I want, and I should promise to myself that I’m doing this because I want to, I want to make a living despite the fear and what others think of me, sooner I just let myself know that I invested myself with memories and compassion that I am worth it. In this path, I will find myself and I am more than what’s making me stop.

Another season of emptiness

A sudden unknown root of being downcast, makes no sense of waking up everyday.

Knowing that everything that makes you burden will once repeat again.

For lack of motivation to strive, for losing yourself because of words that you hear inside your head. Everything is falling apart.

I’m just here, passing the time and hoping that this won’t take too long. Believing that somehow, I can cope with my doubts and fears.

It’s hard to fall asleep, it’s hard to wake. I don’t know where to start your day or where my purpose are.

I can’t seem to understand why am i being so empty when all of u are the same. Where I know, deep down that I am not alone.

Is it because I don’t have a support system coming from my family? Is it because they think I’m just too obsessed being stuck up and alone all the time?

As a matter of fact, they don’t understand this harsh feeling of being empty- so am I. I’ve lost my words to describe how am I feeling everyday, lost my energy to make something interesting, lost my passion to keep going until not a single thing can uplift my soul anymore.

I’ve wasted my time, mindlessly scrolling through my phone and looking up various of quotes about life and positivity.

I’m confuse whether to take it as motivation or to feel guilty about my life, completely aware that I am no longer a kid to ease myself from everything.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next, I’m not sure if I’m going to be okay for a while.

I just feel like nothing make sense. I feel like I’m quiet idle.

I feel empty inside.

Confusing 20’s

I couldn’t care less, couldn’t care more. From this moment, facing the real world and dealing the stage of adulthood is far more scary than we ever think. Basically, everything about paying bills, responsibilities, unfulfilled potentials, getting yourself into unfamiliar paths and probably being confuse on how to engage your life.

I thought that if I go to college, I’m only capable of writing and all I wanted is to expand myself through it. Instead, it taught me that the world doesn’t work that way. College drag me from different challenges and uncertainties and I did focus on many things that I couldn’t believe I would done. Being in the situation of “unfamiliar beginnings” scares me, even now. I wasn’t comfortable of paths that I think are risky, but despite the uneasy feeling and being unsure truly tells a story. It can’t be good or bad, it doesn’t matter anymore. We can’t avoid the things that has to come to our lives, we all know that it’s meant for us.

Write your first poem! – Create&Capture
Pinterest

Despite the things I’ve learn and the challenges I took. It’s never easy to take another one, because there’s more to come. Every morning I wake up, I can’t stop setting my mind into various subjects; thinking about how am I suppose to get a job, my friends posting about their current situation on social media, what my family thinks of me, how my friends are doing with their lives and putting too much pressure inside me. Every day, it leads me to my greatest enemy, that is fear. Being fooled by what’s on the screen rather what’s outside the line is my problem right now, I’m moving backward instead of forward because I’m always scared to take the path of unfamiliar things. I couldn’t stop myself from the standards that I have to deal with and to have with.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of unknown.

HP Lovecraft

I don’t know what’s more accurate, tangible and essential thing to do with my life right now. Meaning, there’s a lot of things I should consider and it’s my obligation to focus on what’s more important.

24 Signs That You Are An INTP
Nathan Fillion

Knowing your worth, purpose and passion are hard to accomplish, because I’m also having a hard time finding myself, it’s my problem after all. With amount of doubts I let myself in, I got stuck on the same place I’ve always want to escape. Forgot to mention that I’m still having a hard time dealing my own issues and accepting myself. Despite the heavy thoughts and worries, I still find the excitement and enjoyment in my 20’s. I’m keeping myself close to the people who make me feel whole, I read books, I watch some films I like, listen to some music, keeping my journal with me, and keeping myself busy when I’m alone. Lot of us are afraid to try the things we’re not use to, it costs some destruction but also growth. We still have our time to do the things we love and to become the person we want. This new chapter is unavoidable, part of the process is being afraid and that’s okay. Focus on yourself and remain kind, we all have our lives to live. Learn to be afraid and learn to enjoy.