What’s my purpose? Where can I find one? Where should I start? I’m stuck in the same day as a I wake up, with the pressure keeps going and the more I feel vulnerable the more I fear to go forward.
I’ve spend most of my days; thinking, listening to podcast or music and living the same thing over and over again because I’m confuse. I want to be honest to myself that I haven’t try to push myself where I feel nervous for the change. It’s like overthinking became my essential, its all part of me now and it’s hard to get rid off. I embrace it even more, people around think that it’s okay but I know it’s not. Because thinking is the worse thing that a human can do, we think too much and we feel burden over our expectations. Then, it’s all hard to tell what’s really going on inside our minds.
Here is the time, where I’m starting to question myself, my abilities and my weakness as a living being, the progress of growth is always right there and yet I let myself to take the way of doubts. Time move so fast, we can’t even see what’s been left, or what’s been up to these days, with the time I’ve spent on being settled, I realize that all that is left is what should I do by now. Up to this day, I still feel the most strangest feeling we feel- Confusion. I fear the unknown, I got used to knowing things first before I take actions, because I don’t like to make a mistake and we live in a world where we have to be perfect in order to fit in. The more we get attached by what’s being said, the more we feel useful to them but not to ourselves.
Each day, I feel useless, I feel numb and I ended up laying on my bed and watch random videos on Youtube, that somehow urge me to move at least. I know, I’m being toxic to myself because I wasn’t build to look for what’s making us better, I was build to look for others and now I feel like I’m being held against my will. Turns out, I’m having a hard time getting back on my track to create myself, just for once I feel like everything is nothing, it’s like I’ve done nothing meaningful.
In the end of things, I know I’ll get there, maybe not the exact place I want to be but a place where I’ll feel better than ever. All I know, we have our lives to live after all, we have our own ways to live, to survive and to maintain a happy life. For the most part of growing up, we tend to feel worthless, we feel sad then we feel okay and sometimes all we can do is go forward. Everyday, we meet certain people in our lives with different stories to tell, they’ve struggled to come across their destination and I know someday, I will be one of them, that person who choose to believe to go forward than quit because she fears the unknown. That girl who choose to create herself without knowing what will come, at least she didn’t stop because of uncertainties but because she choose to live.
Monique Journals 