“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
– C.S. Lewis
When I was in grade school, I was never a cool kid, I don’t talk most of the time, I never join any school activities and I didn’t made friends because I’m very different to them. All I did was study, but I wasn’t a smart kid either, I just want to survive during my elementary days because I had no choice. I realized that I’m never going to be good as my classmates because I’m too far to reach their wavelengths when it comes to what they like and what they don’t. Although, my twin sister and I went together, I still remained left behind.I felt so alone, I was being tutored before going to school, so I figured in the first place I won’t be good as her. Despite feeling bothered and unknown, we still manage to study together, but I had this feeling that she’s just forcing herself because she never liked me, she never felt comfortable, especially when we’re together with our classmates. I was a victim of bully, boys tend to pick on me because from their perspective, I was the weak one. I became more aggressive towards them, it feels like I want to fight back but I can’t, because I knew how it will end. I knew that I’m just going to embarrassed myself in front of 35 mean kids. So, I figured that my teachers might help me to settle this, sure we had to confront students who treated me badly but it was nothing in the end. My nightmare went back and my teachers seem to feel careless. I was so powerless, I want to get out of my own school because I wasn’t learning after all, I couldn’t breathe, move and talk. I felt like I was in hell for years.
From 6 years of being an outsider, I went to High School, this time around my sister and I are separated. She was in higher section and I was not, I did accepted that because I knew it was coming. It didn’t bother me at all, because surprisingly, I made few friends during those days. It is a big deal for me, I felt seen and known, I gained confidence and courage to speak up. During lunch, I had some of my classmates hang out with me, study with me and even practice folk dance during PE. But then, my mind constantly think that it was just a trap. These people are just a distraction, they want me to be with them because they want something from me. I stopped, I grasped, I leaned back said: “Not this time, I want to let them in just for once.” From then, I just let myself fall. It felt great instead, I was enjoying the moment where I’m allowing pain to foster inside me because I had nothing to lose. It was a change setting, my teachers became more aware and supportive, and I barely got bullied that time. I learned that all I have is my voice, so I used it. I may not know who were my true friends that time but at least I learned something- “Never lose yourself over people’s opinion”.
College was a change, it’s for our knowledge, growth and ourselves- It was a lane for openness and understanding. I was still at my worst version, suddenly, my inner voice held captive. I became more insecure, it felt like I was in a battlefield with no ammo left to fire. With days to come, my mind was preoccupied with fears and doubts. I was competing against myself. Sooner, I found myself that I wasn’t alone. I made friends again and gained my voice back to stand up. This isn’t another distraction or a temporary happiness, it’s officially the greatest moment of my life. My college friends helped me to get through my fears, I wasn’t aware how I was drowning with my own selfish thoughts until they reach me. They let me enjoy small things, took a step one by one and they believed in me. For many years, I was living in darkness, I’ve dealt with pain, opinions and got mistreated. I got back on track because I was with them. We saw each other’s darkest pasts, fears and concerns. We shared our true self, together we overcome the world. I became part of an extraordinary that I didn’t expect to be with. We even saw each other cry during hard times, we didn’t leave anyone behind all we did was lift each other. I found my place with them and together we found our place in the world.
I hope someday, you’ll be with somebody who will accept you and find you when you feel left behind. With most times, we feel incomplete, invisible and unworthy. It’s okay to cry alone, to walk alone, to feel those heavy pain because in the end there are people out there who will save you from your wicked days. You will feel yourself again, enlighten this time with clear vision of who you really are. If you found them, cherish the moment, keep them and love them with all your heart because it’s rare. Friendship is a rare thing to treasure.
Monique Journals 